Tattoo change

I got this heart shaped tattoo on my hip for him.  My friend's brother did it so I didn't have to get my mum's permission.  Today I had him change it to a broken heart.  I'm not gonna lie about it anymore.  My feelings were real and always will be but his never were.

Guess what I found out this Valentine's Day? Follow up to my last blog.

Valentine's Day

I hate Valentine's Day so much.  I never want to think about it again.  I told him never to talk to me again.  He completely ignored me, even though I sent him a note.  I can try to make everything easier on him as much as possible, but at some point he has to give something too.  All I wanted was to be his friend.  He doesn't give a toss about me.  I doubt I'll be eating anything today.  My stomach is in a big knot and every time I think about it I feel like I'm going to get sick.  Sara got me some spicy ginger beer for my bell and bought me a box of chocolates yesterday.  It doesn't make me feel better today but maybe in time it will.  I made them some cupcakes with red sugar sparkles and red heart cutouts, and I made my mum some raspberry candy floss.  I went for a walk with Basil and got him a lamb bone from the butcher shop.  I sent a card to two friends and him.  I got a message back from one friend and the other doesn't celebrate holidays so I'm not surprised I didn't hear back.  He sent me nothing.  It is nothing but an example of how he feels for me.  Nothing on a special day.  I'm nothing to him.  I'm nothing.  I'd write more but I'm gonna get sick if I keep thinking about it.

Thursday

I'm going to make a batch of dark chocolate cupcakes with cherry compote filling, white chocolate icing and homemade chocolate covered cherries.  I have to write a paper.  I am trying to figure out how to respond to the ex's email.  What does it mean when one e-mail says, "I want to write to you every day" and the next says "It will be okay to get a mail here and there" and then when I don't respond right away he says "I meant we could talk more often".  I'm so bloody confused.  I just wanna make some cupcakes and watch a "Walking Dead" marathon.

That point

I reached that point where I know that he is still the love of my life that I will hold first in my heart forever, and I am someone he used to know.  I can't describe the pain in my chest that feels like it wants to eat every last piece of me.  He said, he'd love me forever.  He didn't even mean he'd keep me in his mind forever.  I never lied.  NEVER.  He thinks I'm a liar, because my home life sucks.  Guess what?  Everything sucks.  I wish I had never felt this way, so it didn't have to feel like this now.  

Silence

I think this has replaced my favorite song, the one I relate to most.  

What bothers me the most....

What bothers me the most is that I'm so replaceable.  I mainly feel this about the boy I love, but I see the same with my mum and my friends.  I really thought when he said he loved me and that certain things were special that he only did with me, that he was telling me the truth.  Am I that stupid?  I must be.  I must be a complete idiot.  Why do I bother?  Love means, I love you as long as I'm getting what I want.  As soon as you stop fulfilling my desire, I'll find someone else who will.   It's my own stupid fault for going on Facebook and looking at his page.  I should have just shut up and pretended that what he said wasn't a bunch of lies.  I can understand what they mean now when they say that you can't hate someone without loving them.  I'm so confused and so hurt, and I don't think I want to talk to any of them anymore.  Just me and my foster parents and my friend enough to visit by dog.  That's it.