Lost

I have had horrible nightmares for the last five days.  I don't want to go to sleep anymore and I'm too tired to do anything.  I'm so depressed.  I don't know what to do anymore.  I've lost everything and it doesn't feel like anything is getting any better.  In all of the mess with my boyfriend and with my parents and with everything else I've lost all of my friends, even my dog.  I took a way yesterday and threw my ring into the river because it reminded me of J. and of mum.  I don't want to think about either of them.  Then I watched the water and wished I could just go in too.  I've gotta figure things out.  I can't keep going like this.  I'm so tired of feeling like this.  I'm so tired of all of it.  I have nothing to look forward to anymore.  I'm just a just a broken mess that nobody wants in their life anymore.

Nightmares

I really hate today.  I was having a lot of anxiety last night and couldn't relax.  I finally fell asleep for three hours but I woke up having a nightmare that my ex-step father had come into my room and was trying to rape me again.  I don't have my dog anymore because I had to give him away when I got my foster parents and I was trying to find him to protect me and he wasn't there.  I couldn't find the light and got confused because I wasn't in my old bedroom (That used to happen a lot when I first came to live there and my foster dad got me a little light to use but I thought I was past needing it.  :( ) so I started crying and trying to get out in a panic.  My foster parents came in to check on me and turned the light on and my foster mum got me calmed down after a long time.  She kept trying to tell me how it wasn't strange and I wasn't a freak which just made me feel more strange and more like a freak.  When I finally got calmed down enough to stop feeling like a complete lunatic I got my computer and started to write to my exboyfriend.  I got as far as going to Facebook and trying to remember what my login was before I realized that we hadn't talked in a month and that he hadn't cared in longer than that (if ever).  I tried to think and realized that I only have two friends in my whole life and one of them is here that I can't talk to about this kind of thing because her family has always worked and she doesn't understand and my friend in America who I can't talk about this kind of thing because he has problems of his own to deal with and can't listen to it.  I haven't felt this alone since I was living with my mum and HIM and I couldn't tell anybody anything.  I hate this.  I hate being such a freak.  This is never going to wash away or get better.  I don't know what to do anymore.

What's new?  I'm still angry.  I'm still having a hard time dealing with it.  I really thought that he was gonna send a reply and say "I may not show it but I did love you and always will" but that's just not true.  I'm starting to hate everything about him.  I never understood that line about how hate isn't the opposite of love because you've gotta love to hate.  Right now I totally get it because I think that I totally love him and totally hate him at the same time.