A big part of me doesn't want the pain to go away or even get any better. It's all I have left of him and our love. If I stop hurting every minute then what do I have? I love him so much. I miss him so much. I wish I could have all the dreams I made with him. It is hard to figure out what to do anymore because the only future I want is the one I made up with him. All I want is for him to be happy and find love and live an incredible life. All I want is to love him and live a life with him. Only one of us can have that wish and I want it for him more. I'll take the pain and try to remember what it was like when he loved me and liked me. I have a tattoo to remember him by but I don't need it. He's always in my heart every day. I will never forget him even if it is pain. I am sure in time I can remember how we loved and laughed and wished and dreamed. It's just going to take time to get through all of the pain from him not being by my side anymore and me not being in his heart anymore. I will always hate myself for hurting him and I'll always hate myself for letting him dream with me that we could have something that life (and those that control my life) would never let me have. I know I can't have happiness so why let him think I could be with him? Being with him would have been total happiness. I just hate myself so much right now. Right now all I deserve is this pain.
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