My therapist told me it might make me feel better if I wrote everything out so I decided to make a blog that nobody would notice. I'm so tired. Things have been bad at home for so long that I can hardly remember it being any different. I got involved with an online roleplaying community as an escape from everything and met the most incredible people. I spent months there almost every minute I wasn't at home, asleep, or at school. I even fell in love. It was like a faerie tale come true. The trouble was that I brought all the poison and weight and rot and disgusting from home with me and by the time they got to know me I had brought them all down. For a while I thought I was able to hold up my boy and make him feel like he is the amazing boy he is. I had a best friend that I thought I could do the same for him. Then I found out one day that all I did was hurt them both. I feel like I'm part of Silent Hill and there's all this black sickness attached to me that spreads to them when I get close. I feel like there isn't any hope for my life and it's just gonna hurt everyone if I try to get close.
I'm working with a therapist once a week and seeing a therapist with my mum every other week. I go to a group for teens with depression once a month and another for people who have suffered sexual abuse once a month. Things have gotten bad enough at home that I finally had to go. I'm staying with a nice couple in Paddington. I'm taking the rest of the school year away but they tell me that they can get it straightened out before the fall and I should just focus on my recovery and doing the work they give me. I feel a lot like I'm a robot. I don't think much on my own and just do what I'm told. I like it here with my foster family though. They don't want me to spend so much time on the computer but I don't talk to anyone so it's not a trouble. My mum seems like she's really trying but I don't wanna go back. It's quiet here. Everybody talks and I feel like I can say things without getting bludgeoned with them later.
I miss my boy. I really thought that by some magic we were gonna get to spend our lives together. Now he doesn't even want to know me because he thinks I'm a liar. I guess I am. I knew what it was like here and I pretended like things were gonna be okay. I broke his wings so he could keep me company on the ground. I still carry a heart for him. I'll never forget him. No matter what happens in my life he is gonna be my love. I miss my best friend too but he was drowning from being pulled down by the weight of all my damage. I don't want to keep hurting him either. I think it's better if I'm just alone unless I ever learn what it's like to be around normal people. I don't think I know what normal people are more than knowing what an animal you see in a zoo is like.
I don't know what I wanna do anymore. I don't know what I wanna do an hour from now. I don't know how I broke so hard but I need to focus on learning to stand up again.
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