Lesson learned

I'm a moron.  I marvel sometimes at how completely stupid I can be.  I've learned my lesson.  I'm like some kind of whipped dog that gets all worked up when my owner gives me a little attention and is sure it means things will be different.  They never are.  They never will be.  I need to learn that.  

Confused

I'm confused.  Confused, confused, confused...  I'm so confused.  It is amazing how things can seem to be going so amazing and you think you know what is going on but then there's one little line that someone writes that just plunges you into that dark place again.  I don't know what I'm doing and worse yet I don't know what I should be doing.  I feel terrible and I should feel happy and comforted.  I was so excited to get my mail but then there was that line...

v"v

My ex-boyfriend e-mailed me today.  It's what I wanted so bad but now I'm scared because I don' t know how to talk to him.  I feel like everything is gonna upset him and I don't want to upset him anymore.  I've hurt him so much already and I don't wanna hurt him more!  I wanna explain everything but I don't even know how.  I feel so frozen.  I also feel so amazed.  I don't know why he would wanna e-mail me unless it's to tell me all the awful things I've done.  I'm so happy and scared and hopeful and worried and anxious and sick on my stomach.  Why can't anything be easy???  I know we can't be together but I wish we could be friends.  I miss him so much that  I don't know what to do but I don't know what to do now.

Today I'm feeling pretty ok.  I haven't felt ok since December, but today isn't bad.  My foster mum is really helping me a lot.  She somehow helps me to get my head figured out when all I can hear is noise just by asking a few questions.  I know that I've only known her for a short time but I really love her.  A few weeks ago I felt like I wasn't gonna be able to live anymore but today I suddenly feel ok.  I still miss him so much but today I can think about the good times.  I think part of it is because my best friend actually asked around to get my e-mail and contacted me.  It felt really good to know that he missed me enough to do it.  It's suddenly like old times talking to him again.  I wish that my boy had done the same but I guess he really doesn't wanna talk to me.  That's gonna have to be ok.  I can't change his heart.  I can only change mine.

Miss him, miss him always...

Question meme before bed

From Sunday Stealing
Who is your favorite artist (Any field.): Zhang Xiaobai

Describe yourself:  I'm very broken and trying to figure out who I'm supposed to be and even wanna be.  

How do you feel today:  I'm feeling a little better today.  I spent the day with my foster mum and we had some good talks.

Describe the area where you currently live.  In the middle of the city in a small flat with two nice people.

If you could go anywhere, where would you go?  I don't know.  

Your favorite form of transportation:  I like to ride the tube.  

Your best friend is:  My dog Basil.

You and your best friends are:  The only ones that can count on each other.

What's the weather like:  Cloudy and kinda cold but not bad.

Favorite time of day:  This time (very early before dawn)

If your life was a TV show, what would it be called:  Climbing Up a Broken Escalator

What is life to you:  Something I have to finish, like a forced march but I'm trying to make it better.  

Your relationship:  Is gone

Your fear:  Feeling the same way and living a long life

What is the best advice you have to give:  Look for a reason you're glad you're alive every day even when it is a happy time, because you're gonna need those reasons when the times aren't so happy.

Thought for the Day:  Maybe there is hope that things can get better if I can get over who I am now.

How would you categorize your soul's present condition:  Very fragile and dirty, uncomfortable for others to be around, in need of rescue, heavy


*going to get some sleep*