Lost

I have had horrible nightmares for the last five days.  I don't want to go to sleep anymore and I'm too tired to do anything.  I'm so depressed.  I don't know what to do anymore.  I've lost everything and it doesn't feel like anything is getting any better.  In all of the mess with my boyfriend and with my parents and with everything else I've lost all of my friends, even my dog.  I took a way yesterday and threw my ring into the river because it reminded me of J. and of mum.  I don't want to think about either of them.  Then I watched the water and wished I could just go in too.  I've gotta figure things out.  I can't keep going like this.  I'm so tired of feeling like this.  I'm so tired of all of it.  I have nothing to look forward to anymore.  I'm just a just a broken mess that nobody wants in their life anymore.

Nightmares

I really hate today.  I was having a lot of anxiety last night and couldn't relax.  I finally fell asleep for three hours but I woke up having a nightmare that my ex-step father had come into my room and was trying to rape me again.  I don't have my dog anymore because I had to give him away when I got my foster parents and I was trying to find him to protect me and he wasn't there.  I couldn't find the light and got confused because I wasn't in my old bedroom (That used to happen a lot when I first came to live there and my foster dad got me a little light to use but I thought I was past needing it.  :( ) so I started crying and trying to get out in a panic.  My foster parents came in to check on me and turned the light on and my foster mum got me calmed down after a long time.  She kept trying to tell me how it wasn't strange and I wasn't a freak which just made me feel more strange and more like a freak.  When I finally got calmed down enough to stop feeling like a complete lunatic I got my computer and started to write to my exboyfriend.  I got as far as going to Facebook and trying to remember what my login was before I realized that we hadn't talked in a month and that he hadn't cared in longer than that (if ever).  I tried to think and realized that I only have two friends in my whole life and one of them is here that I can't talk to about this kind of thing because her family has always worked and she doesn't understand and my friend in America who I can't talk about this kind of thing because he has problems of his own to deal with and can't listen to it.  I haven't felt this alone since I was living with my mum and HIM and I couldn't tell anybody anything.  I hate this.  I hate being such a freak.  This is never going to wash away or get better.  I don't know what to do anymore.

What's new?  I'm still angry.  I'm still having a hard time dealing with it.  I really thought that he was gonna send a reply and say "I may not show it but I did love you and always will" but that's just not true.  I'm starting to hate everything about him.  I never understood that line about how hate isn't the opposite of love because you've gotta love to hate.  Right now I totally get it because I think that I totally love him and totally hate him at the same time.

Tattoo change

I got this heart shaped tattoo on my hip for him.  My friend's brother did it so I didn't have to get my mum's permission.  Today I had him change it to a broken heart.  I'm not gonna lie about it anymore.  My feelings were real and always will be but his never were.

Guess what I found out this Valentine's Day? Follow up to my last blog.

Valentine's Day

I hate Valentine's Day so much.  I never want to think about it again.  I told him never to talk to me again.  He completely ignored me, even though I sent him a note.  I can try to make everything easier on him as much as possible, but at some point he has to give something too.  All I wanted was to be his friend.  He doesn't give a toss about me.  I doubt I'll be eating anything today.  My stomach is in a big knot and every time I think about it I feel like I'm going to get sick.  Sara got me some spicy ginger beer for my bell and bought me a box of chocolates yesterday.  It doesn't make me feel better today but maybe in time it will.  I made them some cupcakes with red sugar sparkles and red heart cutouts, and I made my mum some raspberry candy floss.  I went for a walk with Basil and got him a lamb bone from the butcher shop.  I sent a card to two friends and him.  I got a message back from one friend and the other doesn't celebrate holidays so I'm not surprised I didn't hear back.  He sent me nothing.  It is nothing but an example of how he feels for me.  Nothing on a special day.  I'm nothing to him.  I'm nothing.  I'd write more but I'm gonna get sick if I keep thinking about it.

Thursday

I'm going to make a batch of dark chocolate cupcakes with cherry compote filling, white chocolate icing and homemade chocolate covered cherries.  I have to write a paper.  I am trying to figure out how to respond to the ex's email.  What does it mean when one e-mail says, "I want to write to you every day" and the next says "It will be okay to get a mail here and there" and then when I don't respond right away he says "I meant we could talk more often".  I'm so bloody confused.  I just wanna make some cupcakes and watch a "Walking Dead" marathon.

That point

I reached that point where I know that he is still the love of my life that I will hold first in my heart forever, and I am someone he used to know.  I can't describe the pain in my chest that feels like it wants to eat every last piece of me.  He said, he'd love me forever.  He didn't even mean he'd keep me in his mind forever.  I never lied.  NEVER.  He thinks I'm a liar, because my home life sucks.  Guess what?  Everything sucks.  I wish I had never felt this way, so it didn't have to feel like this now.  

Silence

I think this has replaced my favorite song, the one I relate to most.  

What bothers me the most....

What bothers me the most is that I'm so replaceable.  I mainly feel this about the boy I love, but I see the same with my mum and my friends.  I really thought when he said he loved me and that certain things were special that he only did with me, that he was telling me the truth.  Am I that stupid?  I must be.  I must be a complete idiot.  Why do I bother?  Love means, I love you as long as I'm getting what I want.  As soon as you stop fulfilling my desire, I'll find someone else who will.   It's my own stupid fault for going on Facebook and looking at his page.  I should have just shut up and pretended that what he said wasn't a bunch of lies.  I can understand what they mean now when they say that you can't hate someone without loving them.  I'm so confused and so hurt, and I don't think I want to talk to any of them anymore.  Just me and my foster parents and my friend enough to visit by dog.  That's it.

Lesson learned

I'm a moron.  I marvel sometimes at how completely stupid I can be.  I've learned my lesson.  I'm like some kind of whipped dog that gets all worked up when my owner gives me a little attention and is sure it means things will be different.  They never are.  They never will be.  I need to learn that.  

Confused

I'm confused.  Confused, confused, confused...  I'm so confused.  It is amazing how things can seem to be going so amazing and you think you know what is going on but then there's one little line that someone writes that just plunges you into that dark place again.  I don't know what I'm doing and worse yet I don't know what I should be doing.  I feel terrible and I should feel happy and comforted.  I was so excited to get my mail but then there was that line...

v"v

My ex-boyfriend e-mailed me today.  It's what I wanted so bad but now I'm scared because I don' t know how to talk to him.  I feel like everything is gonna upset him and I don't want to upset him anymore.  I've hurt him so much already and I don't wanna hurt him more!  I wanna explain everything but I don't even know how.  I feel so frozen.  I also feel so amazed.  I don't know why he would wanna e-mail me unless it's to tell me all the awful things I've done.  I'm so happy and scared and hopeful and worried and anxious and sick on my stomach.  Why can't anything be easy???  I know we can't be together but I wish we could be friends.  I miss him so much that  I don't know what to do but I don't know what to do now.

Today I'm feeling pretty ok.  I haven't felt ok since December, but today isn't bad.  My foster mum is really helping me a lot.  She somehow helps me to get my head figured out when all I can hear is noise just by asking a few questions.  I know that I've only known her for a short time but I really love her.  A few weeks ago I felt like I wasn't gonna be able to live anymore but today I suddenly feel ok.  I still miss him so much but today I can think about the good times.  I think part of it is because my best friend actually asked around to get my e-mail and contacted me.  It felt really good to know that he missed me enough to do it.  It's suddenly like old times talking to him again.  I wish that my boy had done the same but I guess he really doesn't wanna talk to me.  That's gonna have to be ok.  I can't change his heart.  I can only change mine.

Miss him, miss him always...

Question meme before bed

From Sunday Stealing
Who is your favorite artist (Any field.): Zhang Xiaobai

Describe yourself:  I'm very broken and trying to figure out who I'm supposed to be and even wanna be.  

How do you feel today:  I'm feeling a little better today.  I spent the day with my foster mum and we had some good talks.

Describe the area where you currently live.  In the middle of the city in a small flat with two nice people.

If you could go anywhere, where would you go?  I don't know.  

Your favorite form of transportation:  I like to ride the tube.  

Your best friend is:  My dog Basil.

You and your best friends are:  The only ones that can count on each other.

What's the weather like:  Cloudy and kinda cold but not bad.

Favorite time of day:  This time (very early before dawn)

If your life was a TV show, what would it be called:  Climbing Up a Broken Escalator

What is life to you:  Something I have to finish, like a forced march but I'm trying to make it better.  

Your relationship:  Is gone

Your fear:  Feeling the same way and living a long life

What is the best advice you have to give:  Look for a reason you're glad you're alive every day even when it is a happy time, because you're gonna need those reasons when the times aren't so happy.

Thought for the Day:  Maybe there is hope that things can get better if I can get over who I am now.

How would you categorize your soul's present condition:  Very fragile and dirty, uncomfortable for others to be around, in need of rescue, heavy


*going to get some sleep*

Cupcakes still make me happy.

Love and pain

A big part of me doesn't want the pain to go away or even get any better.  It's all I have left of him and our love.  If I stop hurting every minute then what do I have?  I love him so much.  I miss him so much.  I wish I could have all the dreams I made with him.  It is hard to figure out what to do anymore because the only future I want is the one I made up with him.  All I want is for him to be happy and find love and live an incredible life.  All I want is to love him and live a life with him.  Only one of us can have that wish and I want it for him more.  I'll take the pain and try to remember what it was like when he loved me and liked me.  I have a tattoo to remember him by but I don't need it.  He's always in my heart every day.  I will never forget him even if it is pain.  I am sure in time I can remember how we loved and laughed and wished and dreamed.  It's just going to take time to get through all of the pain from him not being by my side anymore and me not being in his heart anymore.  I will always hate myself for hurting him and I'll always hate myself for letting him dream with me that we could have something that life (and those that control my life) would never let me have.  I know I can't have happiness so why let him think I could be with him?  Being with him would have been total happiness.  I just hate myself so much right now.  Right now all I deserve is this pain. 

Questions thingy

I can't sleep so I'm gonna answer this thing I found on a blog called Sunday Stealing.


Sunday Stealing: The Triple Threat Meme


Three names you go by, other than your given name:

Addie (short for Adelaide), Queen Moxie, and I can't think of another one



Three screen names you've had:

Queen Moxie, Queen Moxie XIII, and used to have a page called Cyborg Sachiko



Three things you like about yourself:

I'm good to animals, I hate to lie, and that's all I can think of



Three things you don't like about yourself:

I make the lives of the people around me awful, especially if I really love them. I'm stupid and don't get what is going on around me until it is already so bad that it can't be fixed. I'm ugly (like some kinda baby bird that has no feathers and is all big mouth and awkward) and so is my personality.




Three parts of your heritage:

English and a little Scottish but no third.




Three things you are wearing right now:

A Rise Against t-shirt, pajama pants with little dogs on them, a purity ring.



Three favorite bands/musical artists:

The Sex Pistols, Papa Roach, Pink




Three favorite songs:

"Anarcy in the UK" (Sex Pistols), "Lullaby for a Stormy Night" (Vienna Teng), "Don't Let me Get Me" (Pink)




Three things you want in a relationship:

What I had with him but in person. No one will be as good as he is. Nothing will be as good as it was with him. I will never find someone I love like him. I will never be with him. I don't think I believe in love anymore. I think it's just a way to hurt myself. For others it is magic but for me it is a curse. I found the perfect boy but ended up doing nothing but hurting him no matter how hard I tried and in the end he doesn't even like me. I will never find another boy like him and would just mess it up anyway. What I want in a relationship is what I had before I messed it all up.




Three things about the preferred sex that appeal to you:

Having beliefs about what is right and having the courage to stand up for it, having a good heart and not being afraid to be sweet to the one he loves, having a good sense of humor



Three of your favorite hobbies:

Anime, sci-fi, baking



Three things that scare you:

Me, my life, God



Three of your everyday essentials:

My medication, my computer, ginger beer




Three places you want to go on vacation:

Somerset, Japan, United States (probably west coast)




Three careers you have considered/are considering:

When I was little I wanted to be a nurse or a dancer. I want to be a baker.




Three things you want to do before you die: Be happy, make up for the pain I've caused, I can't think of anything else


Three things you want to do really badly right now:

See my ex and have him want to see me, be happy, go back to sleep

Song for today

My favorite song

My best friend gave me this song.  I listen to it every night.  It really does help. 

Untitled

Things

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The View from the Ground

My therapist told me it might make me feel better if I wrote everything out so I decided to make a blog that nobody would notice.  I'm so tired.  Things have been bad at home for so long that I can hardly remember it being any different.  I got involved with an online roleplaying community as an escape from everything and met the most incredible people.  I spent months there almost every minute I wasn't at home, asleep, or at school.  I even fell in love.  It was like a faerie tale come true.  The trouble was that I brought all the poison and weight and rot and disgusting from home with me and by the time they got to know me I had brought them all down.  For a while I thought I was able to hold up my boy and make him feel like he is the amazing boy he is.  I had a best friend that I thought I could do the same for him.  Then I found out one day that all I did was hurt them both.  I feel like I'm part of Silent Hill and there's all this black sickness attached to me that spreads to them when I get close.  I feel like there isn't any hope for my life and it's just gonna hurt everyone if I try to get close. 

I'm working with a therapist once a week and seeing a therapist with my mum every other week.  I go to a group for teens with depression once a month and another for people who have suffered sexual abuse once a month.  Things have gotten bad enough at home that I finally had to go.  I'm staying with a nice couple in Paddington.  I'm taking the rest of the school year away but they tell me that they can get it straightened out before the fall and I should just focus on my recovery and doing the work they give me.  I feel a lot like I'm a robot.  I don't think much on my own and just do what I'm told.  I like it here with my foster family though.  They don't want me to spend so much time on the computer but I don't talk to anyone so it's not a trouble.  My mum seems like she's really trying but I don't wanna go back.  It's quiet here.  Everybody talks and I feel like I can say things without getting bludgeoned with them later. 

I miss my boy.  I really thought that by some magic we were gonna get to spend our lives together.  Now he doesn't even want to know me because he thinks I'm a liar.  I guess I am.  I knew what it was like here and I pretended like things were gonna be okay.  I broke his wings so he could keep me company on the ground.  I still carry a heart for him.  I'll never forget him.  No matter what happens in my life he is gonna be my love.  I miss my best friend too but he was drowning from being pulled down by the weight of all my damage.  I don't want to keep hurting him either.  I think it's better if I'm just alone unless I ever learn what it's like to be around normal people. I don't think I know what normal people are more than knowing what an animal you see in a zoo is like.

I don't know what I wanna do anymore.  I don't know what I wanna do an hour from now.  I don't know how I broke so hard but I need to focus on learning to stand up again.